Shared Blog Post – What My Dog Taught Me About Consent

< Updated 15NOV19 >

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This post by Jenny Efimova from The Happy Dog Blog discusses how the author, an advocate for trauma survivors of domestic and sexual violence learned that the same principals she used with people, “meeting them where they are” are every bit as important when working with her new dog. These two paragraph say it all, but please read the entire article.

The power imbalance in our relationship with our dogs is vast. We control every solitary aspect and resource in their lives. Conventional dog training reinforces this imbalance and encourages us to use power and control as the model of how we relate to our dogs. But just because things have always been this way, doesn’t mean they have to be.”

Just because I could have made Larkin do what I wanted him to, doesn’t mean I should have. Just because we can force someone into compliance, doesn’t make it right. Force, fear, and coercion are not values consistent with any healthy relationship, be it with our friends, family, significant others, children, or animals.”

Having read Efimova’s post on Thanksgiving Day, I must add that I am very thankful that more and more trainers are abandoning training based on pain, force, and fear all of the time. Thank you, Jenny, for sharing your wisdom and helping to spread the word.

You can read the entire article at

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Accepting the Pet You Have


Accepting the Pet You Have

< This article was originally published in Green Acres Kennel Shop Paw Prints, January 2005>

<Updated: 26NOV13>

Accept the dog you have, not the one you wish you had.” This quote, from a presentation entitled: Relationship: The heart of positive reinforcement training, by Leslie Nelson of Tails-U-Win! Canine Center in Manchester, CT, was for me, the highlight of the 2005 Association of Pet Dog Trainers educational conference. In twelve words, Leslie summed up the essential ingredient to having a happy relationship with your dog.

Sadly, I know many people often wish their dog was different. I’ve even been there myself. Countless times I have heard people say things like: “I wish he was more like my old dog,” “She’s so much noisier than the dog I had as kid,” “The breeder said he’s not supposed to be like this,” “The shelter said he wouldn’t run-off,” or “She’s certainly no Lassie.” These are clearly people who are unhappy about their pet. I suspect their pets are not very happy either.

What I call the dreaded “Lassie Myth” is a major reason for many peoples unhappiness. When people compare their personal dog to some “ideal” dog in their mind, they are inevitably disappointed. It is important to remember that the Lassie books, movies and TV shows were all works of fiction. Rin Tin Tin, Eddie, and Wishbone are also fictional characters, not representative of real dogs. Sadly, the mass media frequently sets us up for disappointment by showing us dogs that act more like furry versions of perfect people. When was the last time you saw a perfect person?

Our own egos can also create unhappiness in our relationship. I know I have been guilty of wishing for something my dog was not. Gus, our late Cairn Terrier, was the first dog I trained. As a new trainer I wanted him to be a perfect obedience dog so that I could use him for demonstrations and to “show off” my skills. However, he was a Cairn Terrier, a breed not exactly known for winning obedience competitions.

In my early days as a trainer I naively thought “blind obedience” represented the pinnacle of success and happiness for both trainer and dog. Gus and I drilled and trained and trained and drilled. Together we accomplished a great deal as he was a certified therapy dog, but that was not enough for me. I wanted more. We continued to train until one day fellow trainer Kate Dutra made me realize how miserable Gus and I had become. Neither of us were enjoying training because it brought no pleasure, no fun. It was only then that I started to see how my unrealistic expectations for Gus had seriously damaged our relationship. Fortunately, Gus and I were able to repair our bond, but I will always regret the opportunities for fun that we lost, all because I would not accept him as he was.

All too often, I think that many of us that are pet professionals (trainers, veterinarians, breeders, shelter workers, authors,) also perpetuate this lack of acceptance by giving people unrealistic expectations for their dogs. When you want to sell a puppy or adopt a dog into a new home, it is often easier to make them look better than they really are by glossing over any problems or embellishing positives. Statements like: “This breed is always good with kids,” “Yes, he’s completely housetrained,” “Your dog will learn everything they need to know in seven weeks,” might make it easier to place a pet or to sell a service, but at what price to the dog? By professionals creating unrealistic expectations difficulty in the relationship is essentially guaranteed.

As a pet care professional, I believe my first responsibility to a client is to make sure that they have the knowledge required to understand their pet as it is; a very different species with its own needs and desires. I may not tell them what they want to hear, but I want to make sure they do not have any unrealistic expectations. Secondly, people need to understand that each pet is an individual with its own unique personality. Lastly I want everybody to understand the importance of patience and kindness.  With knowledge, patience, and kindness comes acceptance and a furry companion you will cherish forever. You see the key to accepting our pets is no different than accepting one another.


UPDATE: I still discuss the importance of acceptance with my clients. Yesterday, friend and client Alan Garber shared this video with me on FaceBook. It’s a wonderful story about a person training a puppy to be a service dog and then one day realizing that no matter how badly they want this puppy to be a service dog, it’s just not going to happen. The trainer then discovers new wonderful traits in their dog, just by letting them be the dog they are meant to be.

Dogs are wonderful and amazing creatures but each is a unique individual. Not all dogs can be service dogs, therapy dogs, agility dogs, hunting dogs, great with all other dogs, perfect with kids, or whatever we want them to be. However, each dog will have their own special skills and abilities where they will thrive if we only let them.

To quote the Rolling Stones, “You can’t always get what you want.” But I truly believe “Even if your dog isn’t what you want, they’re still wonderful!” This video illustrates that perfectly! – Thank you for sharing Alan!

Updated: 26NOV13


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